i’ve finally come to realize
why i am who i am
why i do what i do
and maybe i’m still victimizing myself
maybe i’m still weak and stupid and fat and dumb and the whatever everyone else sees me as (because lets be honest..i’m fat and dumb and weak)
but i’ve finally realized that i hate myself because i’m not her.
because i’ll never be as perfect or beautiful or divine or strong or dedicated or genuinely happy as her.
all my life she made me so grateful. and she still does. but now i’m seeing that i never really realized how small she made me feel. how i live every single day not because i have legs or a voice to speak. but how every single day i never feel like i’m doing enough. i never feel like i’m living anything to the fullest. i feel like it’s all or nothing.
i’m not making sense in words right now.
basically. nicole is a blessing always. always always always. and i’d be a dirty fucking bitchy cunt to every say ANYTHING bad about what she has given me (yet here i am being a dirty fucking bitchy cunt)
but she makes me feel inferior constantly.
always inferior. i could always do better. cause look who is my sister.
i don’t deserve to call her my family. she deserves so much more than me. SO much more than me.